


never let me go

by emrysthewarlock



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I love Remus Lupin, M/M, The Marauders - Freeform, theyre a family and I love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 14:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20566043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emrysthewarlock/pseuds/emrysthewarlock
Summary: Remus would have to be daft not to notice.(The war causes distrust amongst everyone, and Remus worries.)





	never let me go

**Author's Note:**

> hello! it’s me, back at it again but this time with a harry potter fic! I really missed the marauders and so I decided to make some content. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> (title from florence + the machine’s ‘never let me go’)

Remus would have to be daft not to notice.

He would have to be completely blind and somewhat stupid not to notice the side-eyed looks, the averted eyes, and the silence that fell when he walked into a room.

He would have to be extremely oblivious not to notice the real reason why the Ministry kept sending back his applications for a job, why when he went to Diagon Alley to pick up supplies for their little group camped in James and Lily’s house, the cashier would refuse to serve him.

He would have to be ignorant not to notice. But, honestly, he wished he was.

Remus picked at a loose thread on the couch decorating the small living room in what James and Lily called home, and that had opened its arms to Sirius and Remus too. Peter would likely be welcome, if anyone knew where he was…

He sighed, and pressed his palms against his eyes until his vision was filled with a mismatch of bursts of colors and stars. It was only a matter of time before James and Lily asked him to leave, or Sirius ended their relationship or _something_. Even Dumbledore gave him those side eyed looks of distrust, how could the others not fall prey to suspicion?

Remus leaned back against the couch, eyes falling to a picture hung on the wall above the fireplace. Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter during their third year, when everyone had stayed behind because Remus’s full moon coincided with Christmas. In the picture they were laughing, Sirius with his arm looped around Remus’s shoulders, whispering something in his ear while James was behind them, grinning wildly, and Peter made a face at the camera.

He squeezed his eyes shut. How could he ever make his friends choose?

He had been avoiding them, to say the least. Ever since he realized that werewolves were practically death eaters in everyone’s book, and he of course would be no exception. He hadn’t seen the looks yet, but Remus wasn’t sure he could bear it if his friends’ eyes filled with the distrust he had started to become accustomed to. And maybe that was the selfish part of the reason he was here.

To say goodbye.

A loud crack startled Remus from his thoughts, and he turned to see James standing in the front way, having apparated from some meeting or the other. He hadn’t noticed Remus yet.

“James,” he began, standing up. James’s head shot up from where he was undoing the buttons on his coat and pulling off his shoes.

James’s face lit up, but Remus was able to see the tension around his eyes grow. A pang of guilt shot through him: he was the cause of the tension. Some friend he was.

“Moony!” James exclaimed, finally pulling off his coat and throwing it on the coat rack. “You’re normally out at this time.”

Remus swallowed. He was usually out, avoiding all of the others. “Had nowhere to go today.” He stayed rooted to his spot, and all of a sudden he felt as though if he took another step he might collapse. His hands were shaking, maybe. He didn’t know. He had to say it, he had to tell James now that he was leaving so James didn’t have to constantly worry about him and Lily with a werewolf in this house, he had to tell him-

“James,” Remus began, but James was already heading up the stairs (taking them two at a time).

“I’ll be right down, Moony!” James called as he disappeared up the stairs. “I really need to do something. Don’t go anywhere!”

And he was gone, because no one (except maybe Lily) could get James to stay once his mind was made up to go somewhere.

Remus felt a weight settle against his back, crushing his lungs. God, James probably already didn’t trust him, right? After all, he had so much more at stake and there was that tension when he saw Remus and he couldn’t even talk to him just then.

His throat felt unbearably tight. He had to go.

Grasping his wand in one hand, Remus made his way to the kitchen to find the pad of notebook paper and pen he knew was on the counter.

On the front page of the notebook paper was a hastily written note in a familiar scrawl:

_Remus_, _if_ _you’re_ _reading_ _this_, _eat_ _something_! _You’re_ _never_ _home_ _for_ _dinner_. _We_ _miss_ _you_!

-_Lily_

He swallowed down the tightness in his throat, ignoring the tears in his eyes and the way his hands were shaking. God, he couldn’t do this to them. The whole Ministry suspected him, and he just couldn’t bring them or that fear to his friends’ doorstep. He ripped off the page, and was about the chuck it away when his hands on their own volition folded it up and tucked it into his pocket. A memory, he thought.

He picked up the pen to write his note, when he saw the next page also had writing on it, in another—but no less familiar—writing.

_Moony_, _I_ _know_ _you_ _probably_ _ignored_ _that_ _first_ _note_. _But_ _seriously_, _come_ _home_ _for_ _dinner_ _sometimes_, _mate_. _We_ _worry_.

And it wasn’t signed because of course Remus would know James’s handwriting, had known it ever since the first year. It was the same one that was on the contract the four of them had signed all those years ago: the Marauders Code. Rule number one, always stick together. His hands trembling even more, he slipped that note into his pocket as well.

He wasn’t even surprised to see the third note underneath in another handwriting, scratchy and scrawly but familiar nonetheless. The same handwriting that was on notes the writer magicked over to Remus’s desk all of seventh year.

_Moonyyyyy_ _I_ _miss_ _you_! _I_ _know_ _this_ _seems_ _to_ _disrupt_ _my_ _image_ _of_ _someone_ _who_ _is_ _very_ _cool_ _and_ _needs_ _only_ _himself_, _but_ _honestly_ _I_ _can’t_ _bring_ _myself_ _to_ _care_. _Because_ _for_ _some_ _reason_ _it_ _is_ _bedtime_ _and_ _you_ _are_ _not_ _here_ _and_ _I_ _don’t_ know _if_ _you’ve_ _been_ _eating_ _or_ _sleeping_. _Please_ _talk_ _to_ _us_, _Moony_. _We’re_ _your_ _friends_.

_I_ _love_ _you_ _forever_ _and_ _always_.

Remus knew he was crying, tears stinging his eyes and falling down his cheeks as he began to gasp for breath. He never cried. With tremulous hands he took the note, and pressed it to his heart. How could Sirius, how could any of them, still care for him when he was who he was? When he was a werewolf and no one trusted him? He couldn’t accept their kindness, he couldn’t sit here waiting for the distrust to creep into this place he called home. He couldn’t make his friends choose between their safety and public opinion and him.

He slipped the note into his pocket, and picked up his pen. He wasn’t entirely sure if what he was writing was coherent, but it would serve its purpose: a good-bye.

The pen clattered to the countertop surface as he finished. He stepped back, and with tear blurred vision made his way to his room—Sirius and his room.

He ignored the pictures on the walls, the unmade bed, the dresser that was so covered in notes and memories that the mirror was barely visible. He ignored the way one of his books laid on the bed, and the way Sirius would deny that he was reading it (although he definitely was). He ignored anything that could increase his guilt or maybe, _maybe_ entice him to stay, and pulled his trunk out from under the bed. He grasped his wand and started drawing things from the dresser to fall haphazardly into his case, not knowing exactly what he was packing or if it was neatly away. He didn’t care. He had to leave now. Before any of them saw him and got that pitying look in their eyes or maybe even thought he was leaving so he could go work with the Dark Lord and betray all of them. As if he would ever, as if he _could_ ever.

Remus snapped his trunk closed, and stood up and made to leave. As he made his way to the door, his eyes fell on the dresser mirror. On one specific thing in particular. It was a picture, a moving Polaroid. Sirius had his face pressed in a kiss against Remus’s cheek, who was laughing outright. The caption, in Sirius’s messy handwriting: _moony_ _and_ _padfoot_. _forever_ _and_ _always_.

He grasped the picture and pulled it free from the mirror. It would be selfish for him to take it, he reasoned. He had already taken so much from everyone here. But he couldn’t tear his eyes off of it, the way they were so happy. Forever and always.

He had just worked up the strength to put it back to its place when the door slammed open. Remus startled, jumping back where his hip hit the dresser and he then fell over.

“_Ow_,” he muttered from the floor, scowling as he looked for the disruptive intruder. The scowl fell from his face when he saw Sirius, looking at him with his eyes burning and hands shaking and grabbing something that looked an awful lot like a sheet of notebook paper.

“Moony, the hell is this?” he asked, and his voice was surprisingly quiet. He held out the note and Remus didn’t have to look at it to know what it was.

“Sirius,” he began, picking himself up from where he had so ungracefully fallen over. “It’s what it says.”

“You’re leaving?” And Sirius’s voice grew louder, more hysterical, and Remus was getting lost in the way his eyes burned so, so, bright, strands of his hair escaping the bun he had pulled it up in. “Just like that?”

“I have to.” Remus picked up his trunk, tearing his eyes away from Sirius. “I explained it in the letter.”

He made his way to go, to push past Sirius as though it didn’t rip out his heart to do so, but his path was blocked.

“This,” Sirius held up a letter in a tightly clenched fiat, “explains _nothing_. Remus, you stopped showing up for dinner, you always come home after I fall asleep and leave before I wake up, you don’t _talk_ to us anymore, we don’t know if you’ve been eating or sleeping, or even dead when you’re gone and honestly, Remus, I’m starting to wonder if-”

“If I’m a Death Eater. Right?” Remus cut him off, something thrumming under his veins. It was finally happening, his friends doubting him. He couldn’t be here, he had to go.

“Remus, what-”

“You’re starting to wonder if I’m a Death Eater. If when I’m gone I’m in cahoots with the Dark Lord himself and have been betraying all your secrets.” Remus knew his voice was growing louder but he was angry and tired and so, so sad and all his fears and worries were starting to spill out of him. “Because I’m a werewolf and all werewolves are inherently evil, and I’ve just been waiting for this whole thing to catch up with me and I think it finally has.”

A crack sounded and James appeared right next to Sirius, a puzzled look on his face. “Moony, what’s going on?” he asked, as he looked at the trunk Remus was grasping tightly.

“Don’t tell me it isn’t true,” he continued, ignoring James’s appearance. “Don’t tell me Dumbledore doesn’t distrust me. Don’t tell me the Ministry of Magic isn’t constantly badgering you to send me into their custody. Don’t tell me you aren’t worried, James, because you want to have a family but can’t because you have a werewolf living in your house and it would be too dangerous.” He adjusted his grip on the case. “Don’t tell me it isn’t true, because I _know_ it is. And even if you don’t suspect me right now you _will_ because as it is no one trusts each other and a werewolf is all the more dangerous and no one else trusts me.”

Remus couldn’t bring himself to look at his friends one more time. “So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to leave before this werewolf thing really catches up to me and puts all of you in danger.”

He started to concentrate and apparate somewhere away from here--didn’t matter where, just away--but James pulled out his wand and called out a spell. The feeling of apparition slipped away as Remus became increasingly aware of the feeling that his feet were stuck to the floor. He looked up to where James was staring at him, a hurt expression decorating his face.

“Let me go,” Remus cried, holding his wand to undo the spell so he could leave.

“_Expelliarmus_,” Sirius called, and Remus’s wand flew out of his hand and into the other’s. Remus looked at Sirius, who was staring at him with unconcealed hurt.

Remus couldn’t bear it. Both of his friends looking at him as though he had hurt them, as though he had already betrayed them. “Let me go,” he whispered, voice cracking. “It’s only a matter of time before either Dumbledore asks me to leave or Death Eaters come knocking on your door asking me to join them. I can’t bring that to your house, I can’t-”

“Moony,” James interrupted, laying a placating hand on his shoulder, but Remus wrenched away. He was shaking and there was a pressure building behind his eyes and he was going to fall apart any second now and he couldn’t let that happen.

“Let me go.” He turned to Sirius who was frozen with that same expression. “Please.”

Sirius seemed to snap out of whatever reverie he was in. “Remus. Just stop and listen to us.”

Remus shook his head, and dug his fingers into his palm. He was going to cry. He had only cried in front of his friends twice before: once when they found out he was a werewolf, and once when Sirius kissed him after a particularly successful Quidditch game. He wasn’t going to do it now. He didn’t deserve to burden them with that emotion.

“Don’t be daft, Moony.” James had his arms crossed now. “We don’t want you to go anywhere.”

And the fondness in James’s voice was all it took for Remus to break, and his shoulders began to shake as tears fell down his face. This was too much, this care and affection was too much for Remus. He didn’t deserve it. He couldn’t accept it.

“Oh, Moony,” Sirius whispered, and whatever charm kept Remus’s feet in place fell away as Sirius pulled Remus into his arms.

Remus shook as Sirius held him tighter, resting his chin on Sirius’s shoulder. This was too much. Sirius was so warm and he was so _cold_ and so _tired_.

Sirius pulled away, and grasped Remus’s hand. As Remus furiously wiped away his tears, Sirius led him to sit on the bed, while his two friends stood in front of him.

“Now, _listen_ to us. Please,” James asked. And Remus nodded his head because he really didn’t want to leave his friends. Not now, and not ever.

“Remus, none of us distrust you.” Sirius reached forward and grasped Remus’s hand in his own, rubbing his thumb across the back of his hand. “How could any of us? You’re _Moony_.”

“You’re one of us, mate,” James continued. “You have been since first year. It didn’t change when we first figured out you were a werewolf, and I don’t care what werewolf stereotyping is running through the Ministry right now. It doesn’t enter this house.”

“The Ministry can fuck itself,” Sirius added eloquently and Remus felt a choked laugh involuntarily leave himself at the blatant Sirius-ness of the statement. Sirius smiled at him. “Seriously, Remus. The Dark Lord himself could come asking for you and we wouldn’t let you go. And how do you think we would ever wonder if you’re a traitor? We would never.”

“But Dumbledore thinks-”

“Well Dumbledore also thought it was a good idea to cart you off to a shack to turn into a werewolf by yourself when you were twelve, so you’ll understand if I don’t completely trust his judgement.” James’s face was contorted into a frown, and Remus smiled. James had never been able to get over the fact that that’s how Dumbledore dealt with a werewolf student.

But his smile fell again as he was brought back to the situation. “Even Peter won’t look me in the eyes.”

“Well, Peter’s been twitchy ever since seventh year so he doesn’t count,” Sirius declared, plopping down on the bed next to Remus. James joined him until they were all three lying down arms and shoulders touching, like they were in Hogwarts all over again and Remus wasn’t feeling well or James was heartbroken or Sirius was being dramatic or Peter had failed a test. And suddenly Remus felt himself begin to laugh.

He was laughing so hard his stomach hurt, his eyes watered, and his whole body shook. His friends didn’t hate him, they were here. His friends didn’t hate him.

“Uh, Remus, have you gone mental?” James asked, as Remus laughed and laughed.

He shook his head, laughter fading but a smile still spread across his face. “I just missed this. I missed you two.”

Sirius rolled over and pressed his nose against Remus’s neck. “We missed you too, Moony,” he mumbled, voice muffled. “You never come home any more.”

Remus exhaled, trying to get rid of all the weight on his chest with the breath. “I was worried.” And honestly, he still was. But he could feel it lessening with every second he spent with his friends right next to him. “James, when you came home, I thought you were going to ask me to leave. I thought that’s why you went upstairs in such a rush.”

“What?” James sat up, and stared at Remus. “How the hell did you even think that?”

Remus suddenly felt very foolish. Maybe he was a bit daft, after all. “Well, you were very tense when you saw me and ran upstairs without saying much,” he trailed off when he saw James’s look of guilt.

“I actually, er, just had a row with Dumbledore about this very topic,” James confessed and Sirius sat up too, eyes wide. Remus stopped himself from reaching to pull Sirius back to him, almost whining at the loss of warmth.

“_You_ had a row with Dumbledore?” Sirius laughed. “Good job, mate. I was beginning to think we had lost Prongs completely.”

James shrugged, although he was smiling too. “He has to know that you’re one of us, Remus. First rule of the Marauder’s Code, always stick together.”

Sirius let out a whoop of a laugh, and pulled Remus into a hug, jostling him until Remus felt himself smiling too. God, how could he ever doubt his place with these two? Loyal to a fault, they were.

“And,” James continued, eyes shining even more. “I ran upstairs so I could get Lily to come back from the Ministry. We have news.”

As if on cue, a crack sounded from the living room. James practically leapt out of bed as he raced to the living room. “Be right back,” he called, before disappearing out the doorway.

A silence settled in the room, as Remus relaxed into Sirius who still had his arm around his shoulders.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, picking at a loose thread on his sweater. “I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“Of course I was upset.” Sirius pressed a kiss to the top of Remus’s head. “I don’t know what I would do if you left. I can’t imagine it. It was hard enough not knowing if you were alive because you never came home.”

“Sorry,” Remus repeated lamely, feeling guilty all over again.

“Don’t be sorry,” Sirius told him. “Just, talk to me. Please.”

“Did you just say please?” Remus teased, drawing away from Sirius to raise an eyebrow at him. “_The_ Sirius Black? Saying please?”

“You do strange things to me, Moony,” Sirius responded, ruffling Remus’s hair, before pulling him in and landing a loud, wet kiss on his cheek.

“Gross, Padfoot!” Remus yelled, trying to push away even as he laughed. He eventually gave up, and fell against Sirius again.

“Don’t ever feel like we’d turn our backs on you again.” Sirius found his hand and entangled their fingers together. “We would never.”

“I think I know that now.” Remus closed his eyes and let out a small breath. Where all the worry and stress had been an hour before was just a feeling of warmth and contentment, with just a bit of guilt. Remus couldn’t believe he had ever thought his friends would distrust him or throw him out. It was them against the world, had been since forever, and of course this war wouldn’t change that. A smile settled on Remus’s face.

The door creaked open, and in came Lily, pulling James behind her by the hand.

Remus started to get up to greet her, but the look in her eyes caused him to stay rooted to the spot.

“Remus, what is it I hear about you trying to leave us?” she crossed her arms, green eyes flashing dangerously. Remus swallowed. James looked like he was trying not to laugh over his wife’s shoulder, and Sirius was probably just as amused. Lily was _terrifying_.

“Er, it won’t happen again?” he offered weakly. Lily’s eyes softened, thankfully, and she rushed forward to pull him into a hug.

“It better not,” she informed him.

He squeezed her back. This was home, he thought. With his friends. How could he ever think about leaving?

Lily pulled away, to stand beside James. James’s smile kept growing bigger and bigger, and Remus found himself mirroring it as Lily’s eyes sparkled.

“We have news,” James announced. He looked at Lily, who looked back at him, and Remus melted at the warmth that passed between them. They were made for each other. He glanced at Sirius, who was looking right back at him. _So_ _were_ _we_.

“I’m,” Lily began, and then stopped as she giggled. Her hand absentmindedly fell to her belly, and Remus felt his mouth drop open as the pieces clicked together.

“Oh my god!” Sirius yelled, standing up so rapidly Remus was knocked off of the bed. “Oh, sorry, Remus.”

He picked himself up, hardly caring. “You’re! You!” He stuttered, not able to express just what thoughts were running through his head. “Oh my god!”

Lily smiled, eyes shining, as she pressed her fingers to her mouth. James rested his arm around her shoulders, looking to all the world like the happiest man on earth.

“Oh my god!” Remus exclaimed.

“We’re having a baby!” Sirius yelled, pulling the four into a hug. Lily’s elbow was pushing into his ribs and Sirius’s chin was jabbing his shoulder but Remus couldn’t care less.

“We’re having a baby!” Lily called back, and they were all laughing and when they pulled back, James was _crying_ and honestly Sirius might have been too and Remus just felt so…

Happy.

“Is this something you tell someone you don’t trust, mate?” James asked, face still split in a ridiculously wide smile.

Remus shook his head, mind still reeling. “I-” he stuttered, not sure what to say. “Wow,” he finished. “I’m…” he looked at James, then Lily, and then his eyes settled on Sirius. “I think I’m just really happy.”

Sirius squeezed his hand.

James let out a whoop of happiness and pulled Lily in, kissing her as they laughed.

Sirius pulled Remus to him. “Still want to leave us?” he murmured, nudging his shoulder against Remus.

Remus looked at the scene in front of him, the couple, happy and twirling around, and then to Sirius who was looking at him with a burning fondness.

“No,” he responded honestly. “Never.”

Sirius grinned, and pulled Remus down by the collar of his coat to land a big kiss on him. Remus smiled into it as their lips pressed together and he was dimly aware of James making that same unholy whooping sound and Lily laughing happily. God, he didn’t know what their future was, how could anyone in these times, but right now was looking pretty damn bright.

When he pulled back, Sirius held out his pinky. “Forever and always?”

Remus crossed his pinky with Sirius’s.

“Forever and always.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
